Evading The Police On A Normal Tuesday...

was the highlight of my day.  My day began with running around like a chicken with its head cut off and improved from there.

I enjoyed the beautiful fall colors as I drove armed with a coupon for Bath and Body Works.  I love that store!  I stopped there first because they mail me free item coupons to suck me into the store.  Oh, they know I'm weak. 

I bought my items and the sales lady says, But you get three free when you buy these so I go pick three more and on the way back smell some new men's fragrances and grab them.  Welllll, the saleslady then says when you buy these, you get free body wash.  Okay, sounds good to me.  Now I'm back at check out to my growing piles of wonderful to die for lotions and scents.  Oops, you get a free one with this and this is the sample bottle so you need to get a new one.  The lady probably could read my face, Daddy always said it was just like a book and tried unsuccessfully to train me to present an unemotional poker face to the world. I failed Dad's instructions and the lady quickly added, I will get it for you but the free one comes from this entire collection so you may want to do that yourself.

Using my free coupon costs me $88.17.  I saved $74.34.  How the hell did that happen?  Man, are they good.  She politely asked if I was Christmas shopping.  I replied, Guess I am now.

Wal Mart next with Marcy's list and my list.  Planning on having more time to stroll through my lists and enjoy just looking quickly turned into Hurry up and get out, you have to be home by three.

When I am power shopping, I am something to be reckoned with.  I am fearsome, single minded and almost running.  Since Marcy's surgery she has been unable to drive so I had a fairly substantial list for her and since I always delay going to the monster store until I need every thing I also had a list as long as my arm.

Trotting behind the cart I had grouped the things I needed in my mind directly related to the section they were in LAST time.  Alas, they had rearranged and improved our shopping experience by highlighting Christmas along with Halloween.  I just flew past those.

I needed a toilet seat since my soft one had cracked and bit my behind every time I sat. So I get two just in case one dies before I get home.  Needed a phone, in the cart.  Needed a new George Foreman grill since my old George was holding onto more of the meat than I was getting on the plate, in the basket.  Oh, there's that bar stool I need, in the cart.  NONE OF THESE WERE ON MY LIST!

Back to the list and I see a towel that goes perfectly with my newly painted bathroom then I find some coasters that will work to put under the iron bedstead legs I am gonna move into my PLUM room. 

Back to the list, light bulbs, flashlights, peroxide, detergent, toothpaste, oh, then I spy a new toothbrush so that goes in. Dish washing liquid, Dishwasher tabs, Activia for Marcy, cheap yogurt for me, Prune juice for Marcy, orange for me, milk, bread, bacon for Marcy, hamburger for us both and some other meats.  My cart is running over.  I turn the bar stool upside down and begin towering things into those long legs.

We must have ice cream and none of my grandsons can live without pizza so the tower balanced between the stool legs is growing.  Two avocados for Marcy and Hot Pockets for me and I am through.

Check out is a breeze, divided our stuff as I checked out so unloading at the correct household would be efficient.  I look at the clock...2:30!!!!  I am at least thirty minutes from home and still Have to pick up KFC.

Hit the highway with the smell of KFC chicken floating through the car of a driver who has not eaten today.  It was torture.  I looked at the clock, okay, if the traffic lights do me well, I can get home in time to baby sit.

Time again to appreciate the lovely scenery as I keep the petal to the metal.  Some of these were taken at the unlawful speed of 65MPH

Moving on, gonna make up lost time.  I met a state trooper in the oncoming traffic and I am only twelve miles from home.  Oh, no!  He whips his car off the side of the road and attempts to turn and persue this law breaking Granny in a PT Cruiser. 

Thank goodness, luck was on my side, the oncoming traffic had slowed his immediate return to the highway.  In my rear view mirror as I slow down to the correct speed, I notice he can't get out.  I hastily clipped my seat belt while driving.  I just knew I was going to the poky and my ice cream would melt.

He finally pulled out but he must have thought I was a lost cause since I was way ahead of him now and his little radar speed detector thingy was saying I was obeying the law.  He followed me slowly as if I did not know he was there and would brazenly break the law again.  I did not, he lost interest.  I reached my road and then home.  Twenty minutes after Three.  Send Maria out the door to work, carried Marcy's groceries in with Zander's help then unloaded all my stuff while Zander played with Marcy.

The only victim of this speeding trip was one loaf of bread that George fell on and smashed.  The other goods were unharmed.

Wednesday I am staying at home!!!

Nothing To Do With Dogs...

but Maggie Mae is just so darned pretty, I had to share.  She stands quietly waiting on her master as I did yesterday...the ending was different for me and hubby.  I left him behind.

It was a long delayed visit to Wal Mart...I can't believe I use to enjoy going there.  The toothpaste tube had been rolled to the end, the laundry was being done with dish soap and the dogs were hungry so I had to go.

Hubby had planned to go but he fell asleep while I was showering.  His recliner is installed with a nap gas that automatically dispenses every time he reclines. I am not waking the bear, so I head out alone.

I think there is a  Wal Mart rule that people must park where you need to look...are they physic?  Do they say, okay, here she comes, let me stand here for twenty minutes to decide when green bean I want or which vitamin is better.  I am always aware of the other person and park my buggy to accommodate the traffic but many are not that aware.  It really makes me hope they are not driving through when I leave the parking lot.

Okay, Gail, hush, you pulled weeds a few days ago, don't let more sprout!

I have a system.  I have a list.  I power shop.  That list is in the order of the store and section and I can fly through Wal Mart in twenty minutes and fill that buggy full.  The longest amount of time I spent in any one spot, not counting the times I waited for that spot, were the dog collar section.  Ki-Anne is growing and her collar is adjusted every few days but I bought no collar, nor leash, nor a crate ($69).  We are just gonna have to wing it with what we have.

Now shopping with hubby is a whole other game.  He stays with me as long as he can stand it then he hears automotive or fishing or hunting calling him.  He says, I'm gonna run over here and get...Okay.

Got your cell phone.

Yep.

Got it on.

Nope.

Where you going?

I am headed to shampoos, then cleaning supplies, then food.

Okay, I'll catch up.

WELL, it never fails, no matter what size the store is, he loses me.  That is what he says, every time, I lost you!  I remind him there are signs at the end of each isle stating what is on that isle...but I've been looking all over for you.  What's the big deal, I think, you've found me, but he always has to say it one more time, "I lost you!"

I really prefer for him to find me, at the front, waiting for him to carrry his arm load of whatever he could not live without.  If he "finds" me in the meat section, it is over with.  Giant family packages of meat are heaped into the buggy because it looks soooooooooooo good. (He's a meat and potatoes man).

This day was different, I was in and out.  Everything on my list was purchased in order.  No odds and ends from the hunting or fishing supply.  No extraordinary new product that is better than every thing that has come before.

I got home and he was pouting...I had to unload the car by myself.  He had some things he needed, I should have tried harder to wake him, he had wanted to go.

...and the worse thing is, I have to return to Wal Mart with him!!!!  Sure hope I don't lose him when housewares calls my name.

WELL..Let Me Tell You Something

I am sure you are familiar with this line since I did tell you once, this is how I began all my great tales.  Today there was a cloud over WalMart and usually that is my money you see floating away in that cloud.  Today was different, today I made a difference, today I still spent money but I left feelling good about myself.  Today I probably could have been arrested.

I had dropped Dalton and Andrew at the movies while I ran to Walmart. I quickly filled my buggy knowing I had to be back at the movies to pick up the boys.  Fast Forward to check out. 

I rarely have good luck at choosing a fast moving line and was expecting nothing more or less today.  Two men, one item, hurray!  Quickly rolled my five hundred pound buggy, mostly cat/dog food, behind them.  Another person joined me...now we have a line.  Well, it ain't moving!

Why, WHY, Why, did you ask?  Well, let me tell you something!!!  The gentleman in front of me, and I use that term loosely, was talking rudely to the check out lady.  Now, normally, I let people deal with their own problems unless they ask for my help. 

Not this time, no siree, not this time.  I politely suggested to the G-man, Hey, it's not her fault, back off!  His snappy little beady blood-shot eyes turned and focused on me.  First let me mention, I do not judge people's appearance only their actions, I only add the description now for dramatic effect.  The poor clerk was cowering and trying every thing in her power to calm this man down.  He had purchased a router and they would not accept it as a return, so we know by my previous experience if electronics would not take it as a return there was a valid reason.  Poor Clerk tried to explain this, Beady eyes was not listening but the whole world was listening to him because he was yelling.

Anyway, as I was saying, his beady eyes snapped my way and he said I'm not saying its her fault.  I said, Sure sounds like it to me.  She is just doing  her job.  Leave her alone.  He said, I just want to talk to a manager and I said take it the service desk.  I was calm and assertive just like the Dog Whisperer has trained me to be.  I truly think this man was suffering from "Small Dog Syndrome" something we all have been warned about often.

WELLLLL, he did not like my casual observations one tiny bit.  At this point, the line behind me cleared out, I felt like I was in an old west saloon and we were fixinta have a shoot out. 

The manager was there, another fine lady, and was also trying to avoid a scene and trying to calm his outraged asinine attitude.  So now we have two nice ladies, one loud obnoxious ass and me.

The discussion has turned to the price of the new router he brought to the front.  I know the cheapest one has been 69.95 and that is what this one rang up to be.  Not according to MR YELL To Make Myself Look Bigger thought.  They were on a shelf, a whole stack of them, and they were 29.95 and according to Craphead Law, that is the price it should be.

The poor manager and clerk were looking desperate and a little scared. Now, I tend to defend  helpless creatures and humans in need are no different. I was fed up.

Sir, I said, do you have anything else to check out, as he is dancing his little irate body around.  He stops and says NO.  Sir, I said, I suggest, you move on out and let us get on with business.  He started to say something and I interrupted and said, Have a nice day, Sir. Goodbye.  He stomped, he mumbled, he turned circles and you could tell he was wanting to really start something.  I stepped forward and started unloading my stuff.  He said something I could not hear, of course, too afraid to say it to my face!  I looked up and he said I'll have a nice day alright,  I said, I certainly hope you do, Sir.

The bad man exits.  The store security arrives, a little late, if you ask me.  He asks if he can help and both ladies say, no, this lady has already taken care of it.  The security guard smiles and says, ma'am don't work me outta a job.  He thanks me, the manager thanks me, the clerk comes out and  hugs me, almost crying and thanks me!!!!  They said you told him exactly what we wanted to but couldn't. I said I bet he beats his wife and the manager said, if it has one!  I said I have experience.  I work for the public too.  Today I was on this side of the counter and I got to say what I wanted to say.

I am thinking I need to get back on drugs or no one will be safe. 

"Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

...............................

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright

.......................................

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

...................................

I do not think this is what Dylan Thomas had in mind

but it sure seems to fit.

Curses be the alignment kings!

and after the night/day I have had.

I wonder why I embrace technology

when I could hug a tree,

or an animal.

I wanted to complain in left alignment.

It seems so much more serious that way!

I have no left alignment but thank you, I am in justify!  That holds some poetic justice.

Early this morning, Andrew told me, after I went to bed my desk top died.  Not really died, I have not called time of death yet but as blue as it is, I do not hold out much hope. 

Blue page hell, that is where I have been!  You can hold what I know about computers in one tiny hand.  I was lost.  I F2ed and F12ed and shut down and rebooted and shook the tower a couple of times.  I ran tests, I kept trying but all that remained of my loyal desk top was the blue of blues.

I worked from three am til seven am this morning...there was my relaxing weekend!  I have never seen so many things inside my computer.  I did not even know how to get there or that these things were there.  I gallantly tried to revive my very blue screen.  Restore held no magic because I could not get there.  Nothing but blues and blue.

Enough of that!  I loaded up my lap top that never did act right, loaded up my basic router that Wal Mart Man told me I needed, took my disgusted, short tempered, out of patience receipts back to wally world by eight am this morning.

I was prepared to do battle if necessary to complete my mission and restore my electronic kingdom.  This may sound a little dramatic but that was what I was after no sleep and no success at CPR(computer programming resurrection).

First you get stickered at the door then you go to the service desk, then you go to electronics so you can return to the service desk.  I did the door sticker, the service desk, and on to electronics.  The man who finally came to help me went over that laptop with a fine-toothed comb.  He examined the screws on the battery department and would have opened it to see if I had stolen the battery if he could have found the tool.

Needless to say, this seemed like an insult to my integrity.  I sucked it up and played good.  I did not enquire about his actions.  I did not take personal affront over his lack of trust, I know it is his job...Man, that was hard to do. I think y'all may know how difficult it is for me to keep my mouth shut.  I played nice, Mama woulda been proud.

After meeting the stamp of approval and having my "you are a thief" label removed, I asked for help...yes, I asked for help.  Explained my dilemma and talked of the problems with the lap top.  This man had never seen that before so we should all feel good.  We could find no solutions because this problem never existed until I screwed up the laptop!

Anyway, with assistance I am now the proud owner of an All-in-one Dell Inspiron One computer.  No tower!!!  It is all built into the screen.  Amazing!  I am enthralled, excited, elated and tired!  This costs about one fifth the price of my first computer.

Computer is up and running smoothly.  All hooked in to the Internet, on line, surfing, emailing, posting and downloading pictures. 

I have a new plan now!  Plan A and Plan B actually.  If I can find someone to repair my tower so I can recover some of my stuff(lost pictures) that will be the noise room computer and this fine baby will become my wireless in the quiet part of the house.  B...if not, a wireless far reaching router and a lap top will be purchased.  Then we will try this again.

A Cardinal Day

To the doctor I went, all the way to Batesville, with two cameras and did not take one picture...see how pains effects you.

I had an "appointment" at eleven but I believe I was a work-in.  Normally I can sit anywhere, read and leave that room to get lost in the book.  Not today, I had chosen a book I had already read and then did not realize until I was into forty pages.  That's bad. Every one's visiting does not bother me, normally, but today was not normal.  I know the life history of at least three, no four visitors, not from them talking to me, but by them broadcasting into the lobby in very loud voices.  It was that pain again.

I finally got called back and was delighted I had not gained any weight, who cares if my side is falling off, if noises are echoing in my head, and I am in severe pain.  Everything is wonderful when the scales say the same thing as three months ago.

I had already made some conclusions of my own.  It was not my kidney because I had no other symptoms, it was a pulled muscle because an ice pack deadened it, and was feeling a little better since I had remembered to take some ibupropen.  Now, who knows why I did not take a pain killer the past two weeks?  I just thought it was my kidney and I did not want to give it more poison.  I know why I was in the valley, because I was in PAIN!  When all these dots connected, I felt a little better.

Doc comes in and I must say, I love this man!  He is also on the SWAT team and has this wonderful vehicle all decked out in light and sirens, the whole bit. When I was in the hospital, he apologized for being late to check on me because he had a SWAT call.

First he asked what was wrong, felt my back while I walked.  Asked me for other symptoms, like is there radiating pain, pain with urination, blah, blah.

Doc's conclusion is pulled muscle.  He also said my job was killing me, I was tough and pretty healthy (hefty?) and just a tad stubborn, like when he worked three weeks with a broken leg.  Couldn't figure out how he did it and kept working, just didn't feel right. Remembered he jumped a fence and finally went to a doc, it was broken.

He says you need off six weeks to heal a muscle this bad, but you already have had three weeks so if I could tell you what to do, I would say, stay off work three weeks, don't lift and rest.  WELL, y'all probably know how I answered that, I can't take off, I don't have help, I can call and see if someone can work.  Doc says make your calls, so I did and only have relief tomorrow and Thursday.  That is more than I had so Doc writes a slip for that.  If it doesn't improve, come back and the postal service will have to do without you!

So Doc gave me two muscle relaxers, one for work and one for nights.  Don't know which is which so will have to experiment the next two days and see which one knocks me out and go from there.

Here's the really bad part...who, in their right mind, would take this as a day off to shop?  Nobody!  The key words are "right mind".  I, forever the dummy, head to Walmart.  I am on a mission.  Do this and go to Tractor Supply to see if they have new boots.

I am telling you right now, I barely made it out of WalMart. By the time I loaded dog food, potatoes and DPs, I could barely move.  When I got to checkout, I was squatting in the floor in front of my buggy to relieve the pain.  Just because I went to the doc, doesn't mean I am healed.  Doc is good but not that good.

I had wonderful plans, I was going to eat out, shop for boots, maybe look at some other things.  Crazy Ginch!  I dragged a DP out of the Walmart freezer and headed home.

I can't wait for an unloader so I have to carry almost all of this in, freezer stuff, you know.  I left the heavy things for Andrew.  Then I ball up to wait for the sweet promise of muscle relaxers.

Den comes in with meds so I just pick one, don't care if it night time or day time one.  I must have relief!  Again, stupid me had taken nothing to dull the pain.

Relief, sweet relief!  I chose one that did not put me to sleep and here I am.  Not completely pain free, but pain dulled and typing.  Relieved it is only a muscle spasm in a strained muscle, I have named it, now I can defeat it.