Rambling With No Direction

It's Sunday, the day I usually reconnect but my wiring seems to be off today.  I woke early and stood on the porch facing dawn, trying to decide the direction of my morning.  The dogs gathered in anticipation of a great adventure but after a while, I turned and retreated, leaving behind the disappointed pack.

I am questioning my direction, my presense, my purpose, I suppose as we all do time to time.  I need to recenter and find something that will ground me, something to show me there is a reason.

This may have something to do with my week.  Having a whole week off and wasting it with nonfulfilling actions.  A whole week and I have accomplished nothing except run here and run there, taking care of business. This was a week full of people, full of messes and full of questions.  I shall return to work with no relief from my dread and dislike of working.

I wrote and added two new pages to my blog, The Truth About Me and A Blog Evolution,  then spent as much time wondering why.

I am having dreams and they are unsettling in nature.  I remember these only shortly after I wake, just enough to wonder if they have meaning or are they just a rehashing of my awake time.

Two visits to the medical facility and other than halting my infection, I have learned nothing.  My unusual change in weight and form has them fascinated.  They ask for a cat scan, but I don't do barium.  I explain that this week in unusual and I cannot come visit when they want me, but this does not register.  I return home to two messages, we have scheduled an ultra sound instead of a CAT scan and follow-up...hey, I told you not to do this!  I can not schedule a day off!!  I will tell YOU when I can come but this does not fit with their world, oh, well, it has to fit with mine. It made them angry when I cancelled but there is no choice now that will please them.

I am reminded of the dream I had two days before, two days before we talked of CAT scans and ultra sounds and things I've never met.  I had written this little snippet down and dated it...strange.  Now I look for it and the paper reads, "Ultrasound my tummy, take a pictue with a zoom.  I feel it growin' inside, portender of certain doom."...and I do not understand the writing of it.

So today I question if this time, this moment is where I am supposed to be.  If so why am I so empty of plans and ambitions.  I have the world at my door step and I have barred  the door.