a tale of tails, tenacity, and tedium, as told by me, usually barefoot and bellowing

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Why I Never Canoe

Stuff From Ellen's Head had a wonderful post today about going up a river.  She helped me decide what to post today.  Her tale was so wonderfully exciting, I thought I would share mine.
These are borrowed pictures from the tourist web site so I guess I am breaking no rules.
The beauty of Spring River is hard to imagine.  It has easy floats and some more difficult ones.

A few years ago, Hubby decided to take me canoeing, which may be spelled wrong, but it does not matter since I will never be spelling canoe again.

First l want you to know, I am not a water dog in any form or fashion.  We fished growing up.  My grandmother insisted we not get in the water until we learned how to swim.  Our big water trip was twice a year to some swimming hole.

So Hubby talks me into a canoe ride...no problem, honey, I will do the paddling and I promise not to tip you over.

We hit an easy float on Spring...right!  We stayed left as that was supposed to be the easy route, I now think the guide may have said, stay right, if you want to live.

I have never been in a canoe.  I do not know how to swim.  I have that life vest triple tied onto my body.  I have all my possessions in a plastic bag with an air pocket so it will float.  Now, this should have been a hint when they are telling you how to make your possesions safe, but I trusted Hubby.  With his track record, I should not have been so believing.

We take off on a gentle meandering beautiful river and then I hear a noise like I have never heard before.  I looked back at Hubby, his position has shifted, his paddle poised with a grin from ear to ear.  When I turned back, I stared face to face with an before unseen nightmare of mine...WHITE WATER.

Hubby proceeds to tell me all is fine as I grip the canoe sides enough to dent them.  We hang to the left, the water is shallow and we are moving fast.  I decide it is time to get out so I place one foot on the bank...not a good idea.  We spun around, I dropped my paddle and Hubby is laughing while I am saying, shit, oh, shit.

We finally leave this narrow safe left fork and the whole river opens up to smooth sailing and then I hear that dreaded noise again.  I know now, the spot we are facing is called a chute but I thought it was a clear road to death.

By this time I am speechless as my tiny hands grip the hollows I have made in the canoe's edges.

Hubby does pull over to the bank and says we will watch these people and if they make it, so can we.  The first canoe capsizes!  The second one makes it through.  The third, after some hairy maneuvers does make it.  Two out of three tells Hubby we can make it.

This is the point where I would have put my foot down if I could have without turning over the canoe!  I am not going through that chute!!!   Hubby and I  walk the canoe around the water fall.  He saw me crying and the screams of pure terror are making people look at us so he agrees not to take me through the chute.

Maybe my screams were misinterpreted as screams of delight. Hubby says load up, I can do this and we pop through the chute before I know to hold on.  We made it!  He did not tip me out.

I shall never go canoeing again.

Happy Easter and thanks Ellen for the subject of my post today.


Breathe said...

LOL So is it all water or just the rushing kind?

The Green Stone Woman said...

He's a dasterdly one, that husband of yours, isn't he? I would have pounded him so hard he would never have forgotten it. I would have twisted him by his young gentleman too.

Rae said...

I can swim, but I would have been terrified of that rushing water too. I bet it was a quiet trip home for you and hubby after that adventure. I know I wouldn't have spoke to mine for a long long time after an incident like that.

achieve1dream said...

LOL! Sorry I shouldn't laugh, but you write it with such humor now. :) I've always wanted to try floating a river (we have a good one here), but after hearing your description, knowing I can't swim and my fear of drowning maybe not. However I can say I did go snorkeling in fifteen foot of water (even if I was only in the water for two seconds lol), so maybe I would survive. Add it to the list of things I can say I did but won't do ever again lol. Great story!!

ellen abbott said...

Thanks for the mention Gail. I love canoeing. It's like a dance, reading the river, finding the channel, twisting and turning through the rapids. Been dumped in the water a time or two as well. It's been a long time though since I have been.

Journaling Woman said...

Great story. Happy Easter.

Rudee said...

I'm amazed he lived to tell and I have the answers to why you prank him when you can. Keep it up. Payback should last a long time...shute...it should last forever!

Happy Easter.

Lori E said...

One of my sisters went with her husband on a river rafting trek. She loved it. I wouldn't do that in a million years. Crazy people.

Nezzy said...

Funny girl. I love the water and should of been born with webbed feet. What a thrill when ya hit the white waters and you have to maneuver with all your might. Woohoo! Love it!!!

Enjoy your day sweetie!!!

allhorsestuff said...

Oh my word Gail...hahahahaha!When you said you "dented the side with your grip" I lost it!
I can laugh cause I too am fearful of bodies of water...He was in BIG trouble- the poop..he had wayyy too much fun with that trip!

For having my water fear...we actually did take a Kayak class- 5 feet of water- then calm, calm, calm little canals.
We took a "Columbia River Heritage Canoe Trip"... just us a rather large Canoe with two inner tubes strapped to the seats below us(in case it did capsize)... we camped at a Marina, and we actually crossed the Columbia River( it's HUGE) and the Marina owner gave us his card..in case we couldn't make it back...we stayed far too long on the other side and the wind came up...he came and got us!
Kayaks are better..more control!
Thanks for that very insightful..and I am sorry, crack me up, funny story ! Land lover...that is fine!

Heather @ Gerber Days said...

That looks like an absolute blast!!! How fun!

Found you on Lady Bloggers, and your blog looks like a dang good time. ;)
Will be back! Following!


An English Shepherd said...

Happy Easter :-)

Sounds like you had fun ;-)


Carla said...

ahhhh, men, love to hate them, or maybe its hate to love them???

Judy said...

Wow Gail...you were successful in your canoe trip...proud of you and I'm sure hubby is also...grit your teeth and try it again...you might like it as it can really be a challange an a lot of fun...

Far Side of Fifty said...

I love canoeing..I learned as a teen..and always went to swim lessons because our Mother did not swim. Your river sounds like fun..but I prefer an early morning when the lake is like glass. I bet you would enjoy that too!
Your canoe ride of terror was fun to read..love your humor:)

Pat said...

I want you to know I called your husband a few choice names - I did! I am terrified of the water, too! If my husband did that to me? Why, I guess he would be my EX-husband!

You do tell the story with humor!

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