Sunday, August 1, 2010
Rambling With No Direction
I am questioning my direction, my presense, my purpose, I suppose as we all do time to time. I need to recenter and find something that will ground me, something to show me there is a reason.
This may have something to do with my week. Having a whole week off and wasting it with nonfulfilling actions. A whole week and I have accomplished nothing except run here and run there, taking care of business. This was a week full of people, full of messes and full of questions. I shall return to work with no relief from my dread and dislike of working.
I wrote and added two new pages to my blog, The Truth About Me and A Blog Evolution, then spent as much time wondering why.
I am having dreams and they are unsettling in nature. I remember these only shortly after I wake, just enough to wonder if they have meaning or are they just a rehashing of my awake time.
Two visits to the medical facility and other than halting my infection, I have learned nothing. My unusual change in weight and form has them fascinated. They ask for a cat scan, but I don't do barium. I explain that this week in unusual and I cannot come visit when they want me, but this does not register. I return home to two messages, we have scheduled an ultra sound instead of a CAT scan and follow-up...hey, I told you not to do this! I can not schedule a day off!! I will tell YOU when I can come but this does not fit with their world, oh, well, it has to fit with mine. It made them angry when I cancelled but there is no choice now that will please them.
I am reminded of the dream I had two days before, two days before we talked of CAT scans and ultra sounds and things I've never met. I had written this little snippet down and dated it...strange. Now I look for it and the paper reads, "Ultrasound my tummy, take a pictue with a zoom. I feel it growin' inside, portender of certain doom."...and I do not understand the writing of it.
So today I question if this time, this moment is where I am supposed to be. If so why am I so empty of plans and ambitions. I have the world at my door step and I have barred the door.