a tale of tails, tenacity, and tedium, as told by me, usually barefoot and bellowing

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Rambling With No Direction

It's Sunday, the day I usually reconnect but my wiring seems to be off today.  I woke early and stood on the porch facing dawn, trying to decide the direction of my morning.  The dogs gathered in anticipation of a great adventure but after a while, I turned and retreated, leaving behind the disappointed pack.

I am questioning my direction, my presense, my purpose, I suppose as we all do time to time.  I need to recenter and find something that will ground me, something to show me there is a reason.

This may have something to do with my week.  Having a whole week off and wasting it with nonfulfilling actions.  A whole week and I have accomplished nothing except run here and run there, taking care of business. This was a week full of people, full of messes and full of questions.  I shall return to work with no relief from my dread and dislike of working.

I wrote and added two new pages to my blog, The Truth About Me and A Blog Evolution,  then spent as much time wondering why.

I am having dreams and they are unsettling in nature.  I remember these only shortly after I wake, just enough to wonder if they have meaning or are they just a rehashing of my awake time.

Two visits to the medical facility and other than halting my infection, I have learned nothing.  My unusual change in weight and form has them fascinated.  They ask for a cat scan, but I don't do barium.  I explain that this week in unusual and I cannot come visit when they want me, but this does not register.  I return home to two messages, we have scheduled an ultra sound instead of a CAT scan and follow-up...hey, I told you not to do this!  I can not schedule a day off!!  I will tell YOU when I can come but this does not fit with their world, oh, well, it has to fit with mine. It made them angry when I cancelled but there is no choice now that will please them.

I am reminded of the dream I had two days before, two days before we talked of CAT scans and ultra sounds and things I've never met.  I had written this little snippet down and dated it...strange.  Now I look for it and the paper reads, "Ultrasound my tummy, take a pictue with a zoom.  I feel it growin' inside, portender of certain doom."...and I do not understand the writing of it.

So today I question if this time, this moment is where I am supposed to be.  If so why am I so empty of plans and ambitions.  I have the world at my door step and I have barred  the door.

12 comments:

Rudee said...

And sometimes? It's nothing. Words of doom may be only our fears seeping from our subconscious whilst we sleep.

Being a horse woman, you do know you should not put the cart before the animal.

Sending big hugs your way, Gail.

Journaling Woman said...

It sounds like you should continue to have yourself checked out medically--even if you don't want to. It also sounds to me like you are restless and questioning some things about your life. This may come from the stage in life you are visiting. I do this often...wondering if I am where I should be or if I should be somewhere else.

Jules said...

I agree with the two previous comments but I might also add...we are always were we are suppose to be. Sometimes for good, sometimes for a later awakening.

Take deep breaths, walk down that creek I so loved and buy yourself an ice cream from that melted truck.

Well, you might be able to just steal one from that truck but the point is; settle and center. It will come. :)

Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

ellen abbott said...

Oh, Gail, we are all there at some point. Sounds like you are on the verge of deciding something...like retiring from the PO perhaps? Maybe it's time.

ellen abbott said...

And I've been meaning to tell you how much I like the chicken head pic on your header, but this one is really good too.

Linda in New Mexico said...

Gail: I am going to agree with follow up on your medical tests....and add remember what you just left behind. That ugly stuff is not out of your system for 6 months. It has and will continue to affect your thinking and feelings and please give yourself a break. I'm gonna email you and share some after effects for me and of others so that perhaps you will have another view.

Sarah said...

I don't have any advice for you as everyone seems to have commented very sensibly and caringly above. But I send my hugs to you. Take care lovely lady. Sarah xx

Nora said...

I can't add another sensible thing. Sometimes you need to listen to other people and do as they say. As they suggest anyway. Don't be stubborn, Gail. Let the process happen. Go along with the program and find out what's wrong.

LindaG said...

*hugs* ♥

Far Side of Fifty said...

You sound sad..sad is not good..you don't have to figure out everything at once..one thing at a time! I am sending good thoughts your way:)

Nezzy said...

You do need to find out what is physically wrong....what we form in our brain is often much worse than reality.

My prayers are with you. Take care and have a beautiful day filled with positive thoughts and big smiles!

Pat said...

Gail, I'm catching up on your posts and I'm reading them out of order. I sense your feelings of frustration, confusion, being scared, afraid of the future. But knowing is better than not knowing, my friend. You must get those tests to get to the bottom of what the heck is going on. Maybe it's something, but then again, maybe it's nothing. You will drive yourself crazy with worry until you find out. DO IT!

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