a tale of tails, tenacity, and tedium, as told by me, usually barefoot and bellowing

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Evading The Police On A Normal Tuesday...

was the highlight of my day.  My day began with running around like a chicken with its head cut off and improved from there.
I enjoyed the beautiful fall colors as I drove armed with a coupon for Bath and Body Works.  I love that store!  I stopped there first because they mail me free item coupons to suck me into the store.  Oh, they know I'm weak. 

I bought my items and the sales lady says, But you get three free when you buy these so I go pick three more and on the way back smell some new men's fragrances and grab them.  Welllll, the saleslady then says when you buy these, you get free body wash.  Okay, sounds good to me.  Now I'm back at check out to my growing piles of wonderful to die for lotions and scents.  Oops, you get a free one with this and this is the sample bottle so you need to get a new one.  The lady probably could read my face, Daddy always said it was just like a book and tried unsuccessfully to train me to present an unemotional poker face to the world. I failed Dad's instructions and the lady quickly added, I will get it for you but the free one comes from this entire collection so you may want to do that yourself.

Using my free coupon costs me $88.17.  I saved $74.34.  How the hell did that happen?  Man, are they good.  She politely asked if I was Christmas shopping.  I replied, Guess I am now.

Wal Mart next with Marcy's list and my list.  Planning on having more time to stroll through my lists and enjoy just looking quickly turned into Hurry up and get out, you have to be home by three.

When I am power shopping, I am something to be reckoned with.  I am fearsome, single minded and almost running.  Since Marcy's surgery she has been unable to drive so I had a fairly substantial list for her and since I always delay going to the monster store until I need every thing I also had a list as long as my arm.

Trotting behind the cart I had grouped the things I needed in my mind directly related to the section they were in LAST time.  Alas, they had rearranged and improved our shopping experience by highlighting Christmas along with Halloween.  I just flew past those.

I needed a toilet seat since my soft one had cracked and bit my behind every time I sat. So I get two just in case one dies before I get home.  Needed a phone, in the cart.  Needed a new George Foreman grill since my old George was holding onto more of the meat than I was getting on the plate, in the basket.  Oh, there's that bar stool I need, in the cart.  NONE OF THESE WERE ON MY LIST!

Back to the list and I see a towel that goes perfectly with my newly painted bathroom then I find some coasters that will work to put under the iron bedstead legs I am gonna move into my PLUM room. 

Back to the list, light bulbs, flashlights, peroxide, detergent, toothpaste, oh, then I spy a new toothbrush so that goes in. Dish washing liquid, Dishwasher tabs, Activia for Marcy, cheap yogurt for me, Prune juice for Marcy, orange for me, milk, bread, bacon for Marcy, hamburger for us both and some other meats.  My cart is running over.  I turn the bar stool upside down and begin towering things into those long legs.

We must have ice cream and none of my grandsons can live without pizza so the tower balanced between the stool legs is growing.  Two avocados for Marcy and Hot Pockets for me and I am through.

Check out is a breeze, divided our stuff as I checked out so unloading at the correct household would be efficient.  I look at the clock...2:30!!!!  I am at least thirty minutes from home and still Have to pick up KFC.

Hit the highway with the smell of KFC chicken floating through the car of a driver who has not eaten today.  It was torture.  I looked at the clock, okay, if the traffic lights do me well, I can get home in time to baby sit.

Time again to appreciate the lovely scenery as I keep the petal to the metal.  Some of these were taken at the unlawful speed of 65MPH
Moving on, gonna make up lost time.  I met a state trooper in the oncoming traffic and I am only twelve miles from home.  Oh, no!  He whips his car off the side of the road and attempts to turn and persue this law breaking Granny in a PT Cruiser. 

Thank goodness, luck was on my side, the oncoming traffic had slowed his immediate return to the highway.  In my rear view mirror as I slow down to the correct speed, I notice he can't get out.  I hastily clipped my seat belt while driving.  I just knew I was going to the poky and my ice cream would melt.

He finally pulled out but he must have thought I was a lost cause since I was way ahead of him now and his little radar speed detector thingy was saying I was obeying the law.  He followed me slowly as if I did not know he was there and would brazenly break the law again.  I did not, he lost interest.  I reached my road and then home.  Twenty minutes after Three.  Send Maria out the door to work, carried Marcy's groceries in with Zander's help then unloaded all my stuff while Zander played with Marcy.

The only victim of this speeding trip was one loaf of bread that George fell on and smashed.  The other goods were unharmed.

Wednesday I am staying at home!!!

20 comments:

Jo said...

Oh Gail, what a brilliant post! I was in stitches buy the end of it. I can totally relate to power shopping as that's what I do every week in a nearby African village market and Indian Supermarket when I stock up for the Guest House. I also loved the "specials" that I would have fallen for too. And of course, I normally fill my trolley with things not on my list, before I manage to glance at it. Oh I just LOVED this post- you have cheered me no end. My best to Marcy - I hope she's better soon. And bless you dearest Gail. Jo

Buttons said...

Oh Gail I can't stop laughing those sales ladies are like those snake oil sales men of long ago, they are good aren't they.
The Walmart had me confused but I understood I shop for my Mom and never really remember what was hers and what was mine it is still confusing to me. Right now Mom has two milk and I have one out here far from a store.
Now the police chase naughty naughty WEAR your seat belt that part scared me. Peddle to the medal I understood.
Darn that George.
Thanks for starting my day off just right:) Still laughing:) B

Irene said...

You should be a comedy writer or perform yourself with a dead pan face. I bet you could pull it off. That certainly was an entertaining story and you had me on the edge of my seat quite literally. I forgot to drink my coffee and that is saying a lot. xox

Sandra said...

this is utterly hilarious... loved every word, you are a super shopper for sure... great post

the canned quilter said...

OMG I can't stop laughing. Thank goodness we don't go to town often!

Lynne said...

YES, write comedy . . .

Well you are going to be filled with fragrance, hubby too, Marcie has her Activia, the cop is lamenting the one who got way, EVENTUALLY you were wearing your seat belt and arrived home on time.

Being "older and wiser" . . .
ALWAYS PUT ON YOUR SEAT BELT BEFORE DRIVING!

Country Gal said...

OK ok your killing me here ! lol Great post glad the trooper left you alone . Have a good day !

Teresa Coltrin@Journaling Woman said...

Whew, I'm glad the PT Granny wasn't caught.

T

Linda Wildenstein said...

And you escaped to shop another day. Yay for you Gail.
Very funny and I certainly can relate....

Sandy said...

I believe the Bath and Body Works sales clerk sees the us coming with the coupons and knows shes going to make money. I love the soaps, lotions, and candles from this place. Sometimes, I think I have stock in this store.

Ut....Oh....you went to the Wally World Store, lol..... Thank God for that list, right!!!! Not really.....I do exactly the same thing. Realizing oh well, I need that too :-) and just add it to the chart.

LOL, you out smarted the po-po :-)
I'm happy you didn't get a ticket for speeding or driving without having your seat belt on. Now remember, he will be out there on that same highway. You don't want to run into him again!!!

Farm Girl said...

So glad you skipped that ticket. Such a great story. I need a new George grill too. Mine has done the same thing.
Have a very fun day at home.

Michaele said...

lol! I was with you all the way : ) I do that seat belt thing while being pulled over too.

TexWisGirl said...

you had me laughing. :)

Roses around the door... said...

Oh Gail i was there with you! what a beautiful written post. x

Rudee said...

Your errands made me dizzy! Maybe the copper took pity. He'll be watching for you now though, so best be on your best behavior.

Josie Two Shoes said...

Totally delightful story, you had me laughing all the way! Great writing Gail!

SaucyKod said...

You just continue to break me up. ha,ha I loved this day - sounds like one we all have now and then, except going to the pokey - I can just imagine you OUT RUNNING the law. he,he
You got a PTCruiser - me too - just love it, but its getting olde, and cannot decide what car comes next - probably some kind of jeep me thinks.
I loved this post Gail - it had me laughing from the getgo. Have a great day!

Sue said...

Well done, Gail! And what a fun post to read, too!!

=D

DesertHen said...

Girl, you make me laugh! What a whirlwind trip and you got away with a little speeding too...lol!

Far Side of Fifty said...

Bath and Body Works is just too smelly for me..it clogs me up immediately. Glad you escaped the trooper..but you should wear your seat belt all the time..cause we like you! Shopping trips are sometimes nightmares:)

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