a tale of tails, tenacity, and tedium, as told by me, usually barefoot and bellowing

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Rooms

Picture courtesy of http://worldboat.blogspot.com/

I was fifty-eight when I realized there was no use for the whole "life" thing.  I had heard life was a series of rooms and what mattered was who you were stuck with in each room.  This spoke sense to me.

All of my rooms had belonged to someone else, filled with their wishes, their plans, their dreams.  I was nothing more than the person they were stuck with, by choice, maybe by fate.  One thing was clear.  I had no choice.  None of the rooms seemed to be mine.  Looking back, the scenes were what someone else wanted.  I quietly acquiesced to make life easier for all.

The rooms began as a child, and I fit perfectly in the perfect child's room,  meeting the conformity that was expected.  From that room, to the next, to the next.

Tonight I cannot think of a single time, even one room, where I was happy.  Happy like I had expected to be:  soul flying on wings happy, or laughter bubbling in your throat and breaking free into the air happy.

My husband was different in every room.  We had children.  That was what you did.  They had children.  My parents died without me by their side.

I am blocked in a room so dark and dreary that a candle cannot mark the darkness.

Room upon room upon room---for fifty-eight years---and none of them mine.  Not one.

What of me now?  Do I even attempt to make a room, or do I stop the construction?  Shall I stay in this room, alone and in the dark, wondering why more of myself did not break free?  The beacons were merely mirages, tricking me to remain in rooms constructed by everyone but me.

Uncertain, I wait.  For a door, for a light, for the sound of hammers building, building, building.  My own room...

21 comments:

Sandy said...

Beautifully written, full of emotion and desire for a door, light, and a room marked as just yours.

Primitive Stars said...

Enjoyed, your quite the great writer, keep me entertained, Francine.

Buttons said...

Oh Gail this is beautiful and gripping. I had never had my own room either but could never written those feelings down so eloquently.
Oh you really are a great writer. B

Manzanita said...

Beautiful and quizzing the mind.
Have you read "The Four Agreements" by Don Ruiz. Your words brought it to my mind.

Sandra said...

this really really good, i think this one is my favorite...I lived in unhappy rooms, until 28 years ago and i made a new room by runing to FL and ended up in a happy room. hope you get yours built. i am trying to figure out what that photo is.. very strange looking.

Irene said...

The best way to do that is to run away from everybody and build a room of your own where you are the mistress of your own fate. Yes, I know it's fiction.

A Cuban In London said...

I read your beautiful post and my first impulse was to throw the key at you, but... in the end, only you can find it. The key is there and so is the room. You just need to find it.

Beautiful writing.

Greetings from London.

Mary Ann said...

Oh, Gail....

Far Side of Fifty said...

:)

Dreaming said...

What a wonderful analogy (and the illustration is perfect). I had not thought about life that way, before, but oh yes, we have shuffled (or been shuffled) from room to room.
Happy construction! Take some time to look at the possibilities- look over those 'room' plans and customize. It is time for you to build that room just the way you like it.

TexWisGirl said...

a powerful piece.

Barbee' said...

Looking at it from the other side: I wonder if the individuals peopling those rooms with us felt the same way as they moved through their lives.

Farm Girl said...

Very beautifully written and well said Gail. You thought deeply to be able to voice this.
I think that if I ever had a room to call my own it was a tree. I have never until just the last few years do I have a glimpse of that room. I would keep looking and never give up. See for me, in my mind is a cabin in the woods. So far though, I have only swept off the front porch and have not even put my hand on the door knob.
You will find it because I think that is part of the chase.
Wonderful, thought provoking post.

Roses around the door... said...

oh Gail this post you write is kinda mind blowing!! Now is your time to shine...do not be frightened of shadows, this only means there is a light shining near.
I just know how you feel, i am slowly building my room,its scary at times but i know i am going to be free to fly. best wishes jackie x

Linda Wildenstein said...

You did it. You put a voice to the "in betweeners" plight. Fabulous words, wonderful insight, profound delivery of the message. Oma Linda

Josie Two Shoes said...

Wonderful, thoughtful, introspective piece Gail! My rooms for over fifty years were much as you describe... never mine, always someone's else's idea of what life should be. In fact I often used to fantasize about just that, having an efficiency apt that was a room all of my own that I could be myself in, and a life that was about me. Amazingly, I have at last pretty much ended up with that. Papa Bear and I see things so much alike that we share our rooms and design them and our life together, no one controls the other. (Well, except for the 40 cats I would have if he wasn't a bit more sensible :-) We would like our lives to be retired and free of drudge work someday... maybe... fingers crossed, but not likely. The cost of living prevents that. Do you need a cat herder at the farm? :-))

McGuffy Ann said...

Gail, this is an amazing, beautifully written and felt piece. I think many people may identify, whether or not they would admit it. Each person needs their own space, physically and emotionally, where they can be and feel as they need. You captured this desire and need eloquently.

Lynne said...

Reflective and filled with someone who is transparent enough to reveal self.

How about the "Room" YOU are in today . . .

Sue said...

I love seeing this piece here. And I love reading the comments, too, which are right on.

=)

Coloring Outside the Lines said...

Reflective of my own search for "me".

Susan Kane said...

What a moving and sensory filled post.
I hope you get your own room, just the way you want it.

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