How To Cure A Mouthy Man

Want to bring him to his knees in submission?  Want him to declare you are the best jokster?  Want him to always check his back and wonder about his existence?  I did it, I got it, I know the answer...and it was a wonderful victory!!

Several years ago, we were still hard workers but not at the farm yet.  Life was fairly normal, well, normal as it can be.

Poor Hubby had chapped lips.  Now that is surely a sadness to itself but for him to ride that dead horse for so long...it just pissed me off to be quite honest.  I mean, it is not a broken leg, nor a twisted back, my gosh, it is little bitty unimportant chapped lips.  We all get them, we all live with them, it is not a major medical emergency!

To remedy his pain and suffering, he purchased some Carmex in a tube.  Now, I hear y'all, poor baby. Poor baby, my foot.

It is not that I didn't care, it was the timing of the use of the Carmex.  Now how can that bother someone, you ask.  Well, we would be having a conversation and when his point was made, he would slather his lips with Carmex quite theatricly (Can anybody tell me where spell check is on this blog thingy???)

Yep, it was his method of application that just got me.  I don't know why.  Make a point, slather.  Make a point, slather.  It was like a personal in you face exclamation mark.  Irritated beyond reason is what I was and it ate on me unreasonably.

I thought of hiding his Carmex and have him lost without his dramatic slather, no, too easy, he would just purchase another. No, it never crossed my mind to tell him, he's a man, what good would it have done?

Then it hit me!  The mother lode of ideas, the pearl of jokedom, the icing on my cake of revenge.  AMBESOL!!!!  For those of you not familar with this product, it soothes teething babies when applied to gums, it numbs toothache pain, it helps you endure mouth ulcers...a topical pain killer!!!!  Know where I am going?

Great idea, super fantastic idea, only one problem...Carmex was in a tube and so was Ambesol.  How to transfer?  Now I feel like the doctor who created Frankenstein, I am going to create the world's most awesome practical joke with no one being harmed.

I carefully squeezed Ambesol on a tooth pick and raked that toothpick into the opening of the Carmex.  Careful, careful, it must be just right, just the right amount to dumb his lips.  Squeeze, load, repeat, I am on a roll.  When a satisfactory amount had been transferred, I placed his miracle tube of Carmex back on his table and he was none the wiser.

Now I must wait.

Glory of glories, the time came.  Having made a paticular strong point in his opinion, he slathered.  And just to make sure I had gotten the point, he slathered again! 

I stand meekly beside him with a look of extreme interest regarding his point. How long does it take to work, did I put enough in there, is he going to notice at all?

Ah, success!  He has lost the feeling of his lips and is praising me loudly for my inventiveness.  I have some difficultly understanding him because our lips have a lot to do with speech formation.

Then what does he ask???  What did you do, Gail?  Not me, not me, I would never numb your poor little chapped lips.  How could I do that??

Victory is sweet!!!!   And I am still hungry!!!!